Uncategorized
25 March 2010
This might be long, I’ll start from the beginning. When I was about the age of 7 I was being bullied at school because my teeth weren’t as white as everyone else’s and what not, the class was messy and loud and usually they blamed me (I felt like a misunderstood victim) and so I was transferred (shortly before the class was shattered) to a “small” class for people with problems or something like that.
Later when I changed school they still kept me in a small class (with other weird and unruly kids) until they decided that I didn’t really need to be in a small class so they moved me to a normal class, where I met my first true friends that I still know (that was about when I was 12-13 yrs old). Since the age of 11 I’ve been kind of a computer nerd, but I didn’t really have a choice.
I didn’t have any time or opportunities to develop any social life (the people in the small classes weren’t really the kind of people I’d like to hang out with and I had no idea where to start building my social life) so the only thing I had to do was being at the computer either playing or surfing and It’s been that way until now, It’s still that way now. When I was younger I really had a interest for games and computers but now It’s like I haven’t got a choice, I get home at 4PM from school and I have no idea what to do, It’s between sitting at the computer or studying. I sometimes meet up with a group of friends that I got to know in the normal class and they’re good friends but I don’t really meet them often, we usually only talk through the internet. I know I could just pick up my phone and call someone and see if they want to meet but there’s something blocking me, making me reluctant to seek contact with others. In school It’s alright, I have contact with people there, I’m getting to the point. So sometimes people call me a pig (foreigner relating to me being white and pink instead of brown and yellow or whatever), or nerd, or freak or handicapped and stuff (they don’t know what I’ve been through and I know they’re joking).
I know I probably shouldn’t even think about it if they call me something but later on I still do, and I think that even if they’re joking they have to get it from somewhere, every thing’s related, so I’m thinking they might be seeing something weird in me which gets me worrying. So as I haven’t had the chance to develop a social life/social competence I sometimes don’t know what to do if people joke or make fun out of me, I just don’t say or do anything. And when I ask myself if I’d want another kind of life which includes partying and drinking I’m not so sure I would, is society fucked up? So I look in the mirror and I can’t really say that I look weird, honestly I think I look just normal, nothing wrong that I can see. When I’m on the bus sometimes I feel like people are almost avoiding to sit besides me, like once the bus was totally full and there was a empty seat besides me, still no one seemed to wanting to sit there. I usually like doing things my way and I even like being alone, but still I kind of want to have at least a light/small social life.
Another thing is that for example if I’ve been away from class or some kind of social exercise (like martial arts) I feel like It’s harder to start again the longer time I’m absent, just some feeling that makes me reluctant to continue with the activity.
So I just wanted to add that I’m 18 this year =)